5 Massive Plot Holes From ‘You’ Season Two | Betches

Some say that the best holiday gift was spending time with family. I, however, forwent family time this holiday season to lock myself in my childhood room and binge the second season of You because Netflix’s impeccable timing is truly the best gift of all. If you didn’t watch, just stop reading now because there will be many a spoiler. Season two is exactly like season one except it takes place in L.A. and is slightly better because more people die in this one, and because the names in this season are even dumber than Guinevere Beck, if you can believe it. 

I’m not going to summarize the second season, nor am I going to review it, but I will offer five of my favorite inconsistencies because even though Joe Goldberg is my favorite Jewish murderer, he f*cked up a lot. Buckle up, because we’re about to take a drive through the biggest plot holes of You season two.

1. Henderson’s “Suicide”

Similar to that of Jeffery Epstein, Henderson’s death was a very obvious murder that the cops stupidly believed was a suicide. If watching 22 seasons of Law & Order: SVU has taught me anything, it’s that suicides are pretty easy to differentiate from homicides, so I’m confused how anyone with working vision could walk into Hendy’s sex dungeon and just be like, “Yep, suicide for sure.” To set the scene, Henderson is laying face down in a pool of his own blood with rope marks on both wrists and a f*ckton of GHB in his system. I’m no detective, but that doesn’t seem like a suicide to me, L.A.P.D.! Of course, he died in a sex dungeon, so the rope marks could have just been some kind of BDSM thing, but the GHB? Generally, if you want to enjoy the sex you’re about to have, you don’t roofie yourself right beforehand. 

Obviously, it is later revealed that, surprise, his death actually wasn’t a suicide, and the police decide that the most obvious target on whom to pin the murder is a 15-year-old girl, because of course. All the cops had to do was visit the scene of the crime to realize that her fingerprints, hair, fibers, etc. are nowhere to be found to conclude that she was never down there. Of course, she could have been wearing gloves, but since she can barely read a book, if she was down there, she’d likely leave some evidence.

And lastly, if every 7/11 has a security camera on its slushy machines, wouldn’t it make sense for a hugely famous comedian in L.A. to have a few cameras on his multi-million dollar home to avoid things like break-ins and murders? All I gotta say is f*ck the police. Case closed, people. 

2. The Whole LSD Incident

I can derail this plot line in one single sentence: LSD does not cause memory loss. Period. There are plenty of drugs that do, though, so I’m confused why the sh*tty writers chose this specific drug for Joe’s epic blackout during which he’s convinced that he murdered hot neighbor Delilah. Also, why was Forty (why???) able to recall every detail of his night and Joe can’t remember a damn thing? They took the same drug, right?

Also, question for Forty: if you’re trying to have a really productive night, drugging your writing partner with a hallucinogen just doesn’t sound like it’d be a good idea. I can barely write a 1,000-word Betches story on iced coffee, so I can’t imagine having to bang out an entire script on f*cking acid. Forty also never really explains why he thought slipping the brains of the partnership a hallucinogen was a good call, so I’m doubly confused. It seems like it would have made more sense for them to rent a WeWork room and bang out a few pages before calling it a day. 

3. The Au Pair’s “Suicide”

Ah, another very obvious murder staged as a suicide. If the police were to believe this was a suicide and not a troubled teen committing her first of many murders, they’d likely want the knife that the au pair supposedly used to confirm. However, had they done that, they would have found baby Love’s fingerprints all over it and filed a cute little manslaughter charge against her. 

The Quinn family, who are supposed to be super loaded yet their only real asset is *checks notes* a health food store (sounds like MLM but okay), covers up the murder like it ain’t no thang. When I was in high school, I could barely manage to cover up skipping track practice to hang out with my boyfriend, let alone killing my babysitter in cold blood (and in broad daylight) and framing my brother for it. If Love wanted to kill the nanny and make it look like a suicide, why not just take a note from Henderson’s book and slip her a little too much GHB? Not that I spend my days thinking about how to kill the people I hate without going to jail for it, but drugs seem like the most obvious route to take.

4. The Cage

I know this is really specific, but how in the actual f*ck did Joe manage to bring the fiberglass soundproof cage with him from New York to L.A.? I once left a West Elm sofa in Atlanta because I couldn’t figure out how to get it from there to New York without spending more than the sofa was worth, but you’re telling me that a bookstore clerk moved a small building across the country? Bitch, please. Also, did he just steal it from the bookstore in New York or have a new one made? I know this seems like a really niche detail, but since most of the scenes take place in the storage unit, I have a lot of questions re: its cross-country journey. 

Another issue I have with the cage is what it’s used for. I feel like this is a little much for old books, no? Like, the Declaration of Independence has a protective case, but not its own freaking house. Why do rare books from what seems like a run-of-the-mill bookstore get their own bulletproof mansion? It honestly seems like this cage was built for people to get murdered in, which is totally fine by me, but let’s stop pretending it’s saving old books from ruin and call a spade a spade, mmkay?

5. Love and Forty

The absurd names aren’t really a plot hole, but they are on this list because I need an explanation. In my opinion, you can’t name two of the main characters Love and Forty without some sort of reasoning behind them. All I know is that they are tennis terms, but since there is only one tennis scene in this show, I’m really f*cking confused—especially because the tennis scene was reminiscent of the one from Bridesmaids in that they all suck ass at tennis. It would be one thing if all of the characters had ridiculous names (they’re in L.A., after all), but I just feel like you can’t have some characters with names like Joe, Ellie and Candice and then have a few more named Love and Forty. WTF, Netflix? Aside from the fact that the twins’ names are weird af, I also don’t understand why one twin is named zero, essentially, and the other is named after the score just before match point. I’m seriously confused. Were Deuce and Fifteen taken by another teen thriller? 

Did I miss any massive plot holes? Let me know in the comments! XOXO Gossip Girl

Images: Netflix Media Center; Giphy (5)

Read more: https://betches.com/?p=75644

Chanel Miller Comes Forward As ‘Emily Doe’ In Brock Turner Sexual Assault Case | Betches

Trigger Warning: This article contains references to sexual assault. 

I remember exactly where I was when I read her statements against Brock Turner, and maybe you do too. Buzzfeed had published a letter from an anonymous victim referred to as Emily Doe, which she had written and read aloud to her assailant in court. I sat at my kitchen counter and watched her powerful words blur out of focus as hot tears ran down my face. I remember feeling a rage rumble in my stomach. It was familiar, yet new. I had felt fury over the injustice sexual assault survivors endure many times before, but this felt like a tipping point. This woman’s bravery to speak up for herself and directly to her assailant felt like a call to action. As I read it, the silence I knew my friends, myself, and countless others lived with rang in my ears. It was time for change.

Now, the woman who wrote these words has named herself. Chanel Miller has come forward as the woman who was assaulted by Brock Turner, and she is writing a book about her experience. The memoir, entitled Know My Name, will detail Miller’s life since the assault and trial that occurred in 2016.

Chanel Miller’s assault ignited a conversation about sexual violence and how it is treated in both our society and the criminal justice system. People were outraged by the outcome of the trial, as Brock Turner received six months in county jail, of which he served three, despite the fact that he was found guilty on three counts of felony sexual assault. There were also two eyewitnesses in the case. It was obvious that this scum-sucking trash sack was guilty, and yet there was barely — and I mean barely — any justice to be served.

As one can imagine, the trial, along with its publicity, was grueling for Chanel Miller. Her letter made that apparent, and now we will get an entire book to hear her side of the story. Excuse me while I pre-order on Amazon, and purchase approx. 5 million tissues, as I will be sobbing uncontrollably while reading.

Chanel Miller’s letter was beautifully written, so we can only imagine that her book will be incredible. The editor of the book, Andrea Schultz, told The New York Times“I jumped out of my chair to acquire it, because it was just obvious to me from the beginning what she had to say and how different it was and how extraordinarily well she was going to say it. She had the brain and the voice of a writer from the very beginning, even in that situation.”

According to the New York Times piece, the writing process for Know My Name was a way for Miller to piece together what happened to her the night of the assault. Miller read pages of court documents and transcripts of witness testimonies she had not been allowed to hear during the trial, and had weekly calls with Schultz to discuss what she was discovering.

The cover art for “Know My Name” is inspired by the Japanese art of kintsugi or “golden repair,” in which broken pottery pieces are restructured using lacquer and powdered gold. In this sense, it creates something beautiful from something that has been broken, emphasizing where it has cracked. The visual is meant to represent Chanel Miller’s process of healing and recovery from both the assault and the trial. Brb while I go drown in my own tears.

Know My Name will be released on September 24.

Photo courtesy of Penguin Random House

Read more: https://betches.com/?p=66376

Catholic School Removes ‘Harry Potter’ From Library In Case The Spells Are Real | Betches

Where my Harry Potter nerds at? According to my Twitter feed, y’all are everywhere and you’re all pissed that some online quiz sorted to you into House Hufflepuff. But you know where people aren’t feeling the Harry Potter magic? St. Edward Catholic School in Nashville, Tennessee, where the book series has been banned after the school’s pastor claimed that the spells and curses in the book are real. L-M-A-O.

Rev. Dan Reehil, a pastor on the school’s faculty, sent out an email to the school staff explaining the move. The gist:

“These books present magic as both good and evil, which is not true. The curses and spells used in the books are actual curses and spells; which when read by a human being risk conjuring evil spirits into the presence of the person reading the texts.”

Ugh, don’t you just hate when you’re reading the children-friendly book Harry Potter out loud to your eight-year-old niece and then *POOF* an evil spirit conjures its ass up? So annoying.

After consulting with “exorcists” in the U.S. and Rome, the pastor asked that the books be removed from the school’s libraries, and his request was obliged. Hermoine would NOT be happy about this.

The pastor said he also felt as though the heroes of the Harry Potter series “promote a Machiavellian approach to achieving the ends they desire.” Did I have to Google what ‘Machiavellian’ means? Yes. Did what I found make me lol? Also yes. Machiavellian means ‘cunning, scheming, and unscrupulous,  especially in politics.’ Sounds more like a certain sitting president than the precious lil’ wizard who is trying to save humanity against the forces of evil, but go off, Rev.

Look, I’m no Harry Potter expert — I’ve tried to get through the series twice and each time I get to book five and get distracted by not being a virgin. (Low hanging fruit joke, but I had to sorry!!!) But from what I remember, this is a harmless book about a sweet young underdog who realizes he has the power to fight evil, hatred, and intolerance. It’s a pretty classic — if not textbook — good vs. evil story. I don’t think we need to worry about it conjuring any demons.

The school’s superintendent was not pleased with all the attention this news story got, so she publicly clarified that the book series has not been banned from the school. Kids are still allowed to bring their own copies and read it on campus, it just no longer is available in the school’s library.

And if the pastor is correct about these spells being real, someone please @ me and lmk because in that case I will actually finish the series because knowing some real curses would be cool as hell.

Read more: https://betches.com/st-edward-catholic-school-harry-potter/

Savage Bride Reads Fianc’s Cheating Texts At Wedding Betches

Australian brides are f*cking savage. Remember that chick who pulled a Cady Heron on her sisters so they’d gain weight in time for the wedding? Well, she’s looking totally sane after Whimn, the same website she spilled her guts to, has shared the story of yet another bride with absolutely zero chill. Welcome to your weekly dose of insane brides, possibly my favorite thing the internet has ever provided. Get ready, because this bride is going to make Cady Heron over here look like Mother Teresa.

Our savage bride in question is a woman named Casey. The night before her wedding, Casey received a text message that honestly sounds like it was written by Georgina Sparks. It was basically a sh*t ton of screenshots of unfaithful messages and selfies with the caption, “I wouldn’t marry him, will you?”

It turned out Alex, the dude Casey had been with for six years was having a major affair. (*Adds to ever-growing list of why I have trust issues.*) Note, Casey changed his name for the purpose of this story, which is extremely gracious of her and shocking considering what she did next.

This extremely savage bride got up the next morning, fully got ready for her wedding, walked down the aisle, and then READ THE TEXT MESSAGES OUT LOUD INSTEAD OF HER VOWS. WTF!?

“There will be no wedding today,” she said to her guests. “It seems Alex is not who I thought he was.”

She then began reading the receipts, which included cringeworthy messages like, “This weekend. You and I. It is on, hot stuff. Bring your A game.” Which… ew. I think I’d break up with someone simply for using the phrase “hot stuff” in earnest. The texts also included sh*t like, “Your body is f*cking incredible. And sh*t do you know how to use it. I wish my GF had half the skills you do.”

Does this dude read the creepy paperback erotica books they sell at the grocery store? Like, where did he learn to say this sh*t? Vom.

Apparently, Alex dipped TF out of the ceremony, and Casey invited everyone to stay and party. “It was certainly not the wedding day I had planned, but to our credit, it was one hell of a party.”

Sounds fake, but okay. I just feel like if this happened to me or literally anyone I know, there would be some more consideration before just like blindly believing everything a stranger says and hashing it out in front of 200 of your closest friends and family. Casey wrote that she didn’t even need to investigate and “just knew.” Ooookay, girl.

Then again, if your trust in your relationship is so broken that you don’t even have to investigate a bunch of suspicious texts to know they’re true, it’s probably a sign you shouldn’t be getting married in the first place. Anyway, if anyone reading this has pulled off some devious plot against their fiancé, wedding party, or anyone involved in your nuptials, can you just like… gimme a heads up? Literally just spill that tea right into my inbox or into the comments section of this article. (For real, email [email protected] with your wedding horror story, and maybe I’ll write an article about you.) I’m tired of having to hear this sh*t through the grapevine. SMH.

Images: David Thomaz / Unsplash; Giphy (3)

Read more: https://betches.com/?p=42132

Book Series To Binge While You Wait For ‘Game Of Thrones’ To Come Back Betches

Summer is officially over and I know this because yesterday a girl in Uggs spilled her pumpkin spice latte all over me. We’ve now moved into that weird in-between stage of seasons where summer is dead but none of your favorite shows are back on so you don’t have an actual excuse for why you ignored your BFF’s text about getting your ass down to the bars ASAP. Like, b*tch LET ME LIVE (my best life on the couch). But never fear, because where there’s a will, there’s a way for me to get out of being social, and that way is to binge read myself into a coma. That said, we’ve got some bangin’ book series to educate you with that are legit better than binge watching all seven seasons of Game of Thrones. You’re so welcome.

The ‘A Court of Thorns and Roses’ Series by Sarah J Maas

I’d been hearing about this series for years and never picked it up because I thought it would be another boring YA fantasy series, and also because I’m stupid. But once I started reading, I could not put these books down. It has all the intrigue and action of Game of Thrones but with twentysomethings and hotter people (if that’s possible). The books follow 19-year-old huntress Feyre who accidentally kills something she shouldn’t and ends up having to spend the rest of her life in a faerie realm. If I lost you just there, HEAR ME OUT THOUGH. At first it’s a little like Beauty and The Beast, but it’s so much more than that by the end of the book. Think epic world building, feuding kingdoms, and badass leading ladies who aren’t afraid to scheme the sh*t out of some men. The books are long AF, but, like, so is a Law & Order: SVU marathon and you people never miss that sh*t.

A

The ‘Crazy Rich Asians’ Series by Kevin Kwan

Would it be a comprehensive reading list if we didn’t include Kevin Kwan and the bougiest family we’ve ever f*cking seen? I think not. The Youngs make your family drama look like child’s play and theirs goes down on private jets. Advanced warning: You might want to settle in with your own order of dumplings, otherwise you’re bound to get very, very hungry while reading. And then go see the movie.

The ‘Addicted To You‘ Series by Krista & Becca Ritchie

Just gonna be real up front and say right now that this is a romance series, so don’t @ me in the comments when you get all hot and bothered on the subway because someone said the word “climax.” Let’s be real, these books are no dirtier than whatever you’re texting your ex after three vodka crans. Just saying. The books follow Lily Calloway and Loren Hale, two members of Philadelphia’s most elite families who both happen to be battling secret addictions while also trying to date each other. If that sounds a little heavy, that’s because it kind of is, but in the immortal words of Kim Kardashian West “it’s the good kind of baggage, like Louis Vuitton.” Seriously, this series is INSANE. Think Kardashian-level family drama meets the lux inner circle of Gossip Girl. Now go forth and binge.

Addicted

The ‘Thousandth Floor’ Series by Katherine McGee

I know I keep comparing sh*t to Gossip Girl, SO SUE ME. It’s not my fault that show was the voice of a goddamn generation. Anyway, moving on. Set in a futuristic Manhattan, the Thousandth Floor series follows five teens who live at the Palace hotel but on, like, steroids. You’ve got all the Upper East Siders and a Lonely Boy living in the year 3000 where not much has changed but they live underwater. I paraphrase; the book actually takes place in 2118. Whatever. In any case, it’s about a group of rich teenagers who all are hiding dark secrets. Dun dun dunnnn. This book is a fast AF read. It reads like a thriller element because each book opens up with someone dying—and you know we betches love death. Feel blessed, because there’s three books already out so that’s at least four happy hours you can miss in favor of binge reading.

thousandth

The Last Time I Lied’ by Riley Sager

This isn’t technically a series but both of Riley Sager’s books involve campy, Final Destination-like plots that are seriously addictive from page one. We love, love, LOVED The Final Girls and the author’s second book is just as binge-worthy. The book follows Emma Davis who, in a very Pretty Little Liars twist of events, realizes all of her BFFs have disappeared after playing a game of two truths and a lie at summer camp one night. It’s kind of like if all the Liars went missing and only Aria had to find out what happened to them (god help them). I’m telling you right now, once you start this book you won’t be able to put it down.  

The ‘To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before’ Series by Jenny Han

Look, I’m not trying to be judgmental, but if you haven’t watched Netflix’s To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before THEN WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE. I’m sorry, that was aggressive. But really, I’ve never loved a teenaged boy more and I hate how that sounds coming out of my mouth but it’s the honest goddamn truth. If you watched the movie and have a pulse then you obvi fell in love with Peter Kavinsky. I’m telling you now, the books are even better. Plus there’s already three books out in the series so if you’re looking for some more Peter in your life you’ve got at least 900 pages worth of reading material. You can thank me in the comments.

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When’s Happy Hour? By The Betches

Not a series, but you should read it anyways because it’s our third book and we wrote it and it will literally change your life. YOU’RE WELCOME.

Images: Vanessa Serpas / Unsplash; Amazon (7)

Read more: https://betches.com/?p=36997

The Betches Back To School 2018 Reading List Betches

The summer is almost over, and to distract myself from this deeply depressing fact, I will be losing myself in a good book and living vicariously through its characters. I already hit you guys with my summer reading list, so now it’s time for a back to school reading list. These are the best books you need to read before Labor Day. Okay, I know that’s kind of a tall order unless you’re a speed reader, so stock up on these for fall.

‘The Cheerleaders’ by Kara Thomas

I loved Kara Thomas’ adult thriller, The Darkest Corners, so I was expecting a lot from her YA thriller, Cheerleaders. It did not disappoint. Cheerleaders is about a small-ish town in which five cheerleaders and friends all end up dead within the span of a few months. Two die in a car crash. Two are murdered. One commits suicide. Or did she? One of the cheerleaders’ younger sisters works to unravel the mystery surrounding these deaths that have plagued her town and her family.

Cheerleaders

‘Mr. Nice Guy’ by Jennifer Miller and Jason Feifer

If you read my summer reading list, you’d know I’m not really a big romance novel person but I loved Mr. Nice Guy. The book is about Lucas Callahan, a nice Southern gentleman from North Carolina, who moves to New York to pursue his dream of working at Empire magazine. There he meets Carmen Kelly, Empire’s notorious sex columnist… and has sex with her. Only, he doesn’t realize it’s her until she writes a not-so-favorable column about his performance, prompting Lucas to start a column of his own. It’s fun, it’s cute, and holy sh*t it is so refreshing to read a book about the publishing industry that ACTUALLY gets it totally right for once. (*Glares at The Bold Type which I know is not a book, but still*).

Mr

‘Sadie’ by Courtney Summers

Sadie is one of the most anticipated YA thrillers of the year, and for damn good reason. Sadie follows a young girl who goes missing following her sister’s murder. But here’s the good part: it alternates between Sadie’s first-person narrative and the transcripts of a podcast that’s working to find Sadie. If you’ve ever wished Serial was a book, this is the next best thing—maybe even better.

Sadie

‘When’s Happy Hour?’ by The Betches

F*cking duhhhh we’re putting our book on here. When’s Happy Hour? is the third Betches book, and as you may have guessed, it’s going to be about career advice. From crafting a resume to deliberating hooking up with the office hottie, we’re covering it all. Of course, with heavy doses of our signature snark. It doesn’t come out until October 23, so before you @ me in the comments, you should know this thing called preorder exists.

When's

‘The Dinner List’ by Rebecca Serle

You know that quintessential icebreaker: if you could have dinner with five people, living or dead, who would you pick? That’s the central conceit to The Dinner List. Protagonist Sabrina invites her ex-boyfriend, estranged father, beloved professor, best friend, and oh yeah, Audrey Hepburn, to dinner. The result is a fun meandering through time that also touches profoundly on the many different types of love we feel for others.

The

‘Neverworld Wake’ by Marisha Pessl

I know this list is kind of heavy on the Young Adult thrillers, but you’re just going to have to deal. Young adults are the only ones actually going back to school right now, anyway. And in any case, this one is so good that you’re just going to have to read it. In this novel that combines mystery with the paranormal, five friends end up stuck in the “neverworld wake,” the place in between life and death, where they keep reliving the same day over and over until they can reach a unanimous vote on which one of them should live. Dun dun dunnnnn.

Neverworld

‘Where The Crawdads Sing’ by Delia Owens

We’re moving out of the Young Adult genre into a book that is decidedly adult. I loved this book. Full stop. The writing was gorgeous—almost like prose poetry. I still think about some of the imagery Delia Owens used. The plot was equally interesting. Set in a North Carolina town, it follows Kya, the town’s “marsh girl” who’s raised herself in poverty in the swamps. Then, a prominent young man in the town is murdered, and there are many twists as the cops try to nail down a suspect. That’s all I’m gonna say.

Where

‘The Bucket List’ by Georgia Clark

Getting a little meta with the titles over here, but I promise it’s not on purpose. The Bucket List is about 25-year-old New York transplant Lacey Whitman, who learns that she has the BRCA-1 mutation. For those of you uninformed, it’s what Angelina Jolie had that led her to get a preventative double mastectomy. Lacey decides to do the same thing, but before she gets rid of her boobs, she makes a boob bucket list and tries to cross off everything. It’s sexy, it’s fun, it’s flirty—The Bucket List is overall a breezy read with a little bit more heart than your typical beach read.

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Read more: https://betches.com/?p=34767

7 Baby Shower Gifts Your Pregnant Friends Will Love Betches

Blessed be the fruit. Honestly, we’re a little shocked that we’re having to put up posts about baby gifts, but here we are. Unfortunately for all of us, at some point we’ll have to attend a baby shower and watch a v pregnant almost-mom open gift after gift of everything from oversized stuffed animals to nipple balm. It’s a thing, and it’s terrifying.

Anyway, if you want to be the real VIP MVP of the baby shower circuit, make sure your gifts are on point. Whether you shower the parents-to-be with amazingly hilar onesies or gift cards to the best area restaurants ensuring them a night out, don’t fall into the trap of getting boring, loud, or weird baby gifts.

Hilarious Onesies From Shop Betches

Shop Betches Cool Mom Baby Onesie 

I’m not going to NOT plug our own merch, which is like, rly cute. You may as well buy about 100 onesies for any new child, since they’re likely to go through anywhere from five to 500 in any given day. They may as well look cute while they throw up on themselves. Babies, they’re just like us.

Something For Mama

Nektek Foot Massager Kneading Siatsu Therapy Plantar Massage

Mama is going to get a sh*tload of stuff for baby, i.e. toys, diapers, more diapers, onesies, baby food puree systems, tiny shoes and socks, etc. Get something for the new mom to enjoy, like, a day trip to a really nice spa complete with an offer of babysitting (I KNOW), several bottles of wine that age well considering she won’t be able to drink it until she’s done breastfeeding (unless she pumps and dumps), or a foot massage system that she can sit in while ordering her SO to actually change a diaper for once.

Baby Food Puree Systems

BEABA Babycook 4 in 1 Steam Cooker and Blender

If mom is already the owner of something like a Vitamix or Ninja blender system, she’s probably going to love the Baby Bullet (kinda off on the name, there, marketing people) or a similar product. It allows mom to make her own concoctions of baby food. That means she doesn’t have to run to the store and buy 1,000 glass jars.

Quiet Distractions For Bae

Melissa & Doug Soft Activity Baby Book

You know what new parents don’t want? Any kind of toy/distraction device that sings a song or makes any kind of sound. They’re getting enough sounds every three hours, morning, noon, and night. Find a toy that makes no noise but will keep bae distracted so mom can, like, pour a glass of wine for herself. Try items made from fabric, like soft baby books, foam blocks, and other soft, soothing, items.

Tiffany’s Things

Love Feeding Spoon by Tiffany’s 

Call it bougie, and it is, but if this is mama’s first baby, you can’t go wrong by buying the classic silver baby spoon from Tiffany’s. This isn’t really something that serves a true purpose–it’s a keepsake. Tiffany’s also has baby brushes, rattles, and other silver things that, at the price of around $300+, will definitely get you into the good graces of the parents … hopefully, so much so, that they’ll never ask you to babysit. It’s a win-win for everyone, fam.

Diapers

Pampers Baby-Dry Disposable Diapers

This is neither classy nor cute, but the parents-to-be will be singing your praises. If there’s one thing that babies go through a lot of, it’s diapers. Duh. Build a diaper pyramid with about 15 packages of Pampers or Huggies or whatever, and the parents will be forever grateful. You’re essentially saving them a screaming argument at 3am about whose turn it is to do a diaper run. Praise be.

Baby Monitor

Babysense Video Baby Monitor 

Hey, you know what’s awesome? Being able to tune into baby in the crib without leaving the comfort of the couch. These days, there are tons of systems that include full sound AND video, so mom or dad can watch bae sleep (not in a creepy way) and decide whether or not the fussing is worth getting up for.

Images: Nynne Schrøder /Unsplash; Amazon; Shop Betches; Tiffany’s

Read more: https://betches.com/?p=34351

We Picked Out The 5 Juiciest Tidbits From The Official Trump Burn Book

Just when you thought 2018 was already doomed to be a series of unfortunate events, it came through with something I have literally written my own version dreamed of: an Official Trump Burn Book. Award-winning journalist/my new idol, Michael Wolff spent the last year hanging around the White House and collecting all the hot goss for his book which is based on hours of recorded tape from people in the Trump Administration spilling the GD tea.

NY Mag covered an excerpted version of the book yesterday, and due to high demand, the book was released ahead of schedule this morning. We picked out the five juiciest tidbits from it, so you don’t have to like, read a whole book. You literally could not be more welcome.

Trump Might Low-Key Have Dementia

Apparently, a Trump associate talked some shit to Reince Priebus and said that a meeting with Trump is mostly just him repeating himself over and over again. Like, he straight up tells a story and then retells it again 10 minutes later, because he has forgotten that he already told it. You know who else does that? My 90 year-old grandma with dementia – God bless her soul. Casual reminder that Trump is in possession of the launch codes for nuclear weapons. Cool cool cool.

Trump’s Crush on Putin is Unrequited

I mean, it’s pretty obvious that Putin is just using Trump to get to his true crush, World Domination, but seeing this in writing was v satisfying. Human scab, Steve Bannon told Roger Ailes that Trump, “went to Russia and (he) thought he was going to meet Putin. But Putin couldn’t give a shit about him. So he’s kept trying.” So, Putin straight up ghosted Trump, and then Trump kept texting. Literally pathetic.

Ivanka Has A Tight Five About Daddy’s Comb-Over

This book is riddled with people who are supposed to be Trump’s confidantes straight up dishing out his biggest secrets. Clearly no one told him to trust no bitch. You’d think at least his family would have his back, but it turns out even Ivanka is in on the shit talking. Apparently she has a bit about Trump’s pile of unconditioned pubes comb-over that she uses as her go-to joke at social gatherings. She describes it as “an absolutely clean pate — a contained island after scalp-reduction ­surgery — surrounded by a furry circle of hair around the sides and front, from which all ends are drawn up to meet in the center and then swept back and secured by a stiffening spray.” She could use some tighter joke structure and stronger punchlines, but the fact that she’s willing to tell all about how her dad’s toupee is the nastiest skank bitch she’s ever met is enough for us.

Rumor Has It Trump Can Barely Read

It’s no secret that Trump’s ideal day is a golden shower  marathon, and that he can’t be bothered with things like books, newspapers or anything that requires a fifth-grade reading level or higher. But according to people at the White House, getting Trump to read literally anything is next to impossible, and some are legit concerned that he is semi-illiterate. He won’t even skim, let alone process information given to him. Like, he can’t even handle . Sure, I’ve written dozens of papers on books I’ve never read, but I’m not the fucking president.

Actual footage of the Trump administration talking about his reading skills:

Trump Eats McDonald’s Because He’s Afraid of Being Poisoned

Lol. We’ve already covered Trump’s disgusting daily McDonald’s order – which you can read here – but now we know why he puts his body through it. Unfortunately it’s not to slowly poison himself. In fact, it’s the opposite. Trump is extremely paranoid that someone is going to poison him – which like, fair – so he likes to get his food from Mcy D’s, because then nobody knows it’s for him and it comes pre-made. Should someone tell him that McDonalds itself is literal poison? Nah, let’s keep that as our little secret.

Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!

Read more: http://www.betches.com/juciest-parts-of-fire-and-fury

4 Creepy Things That Secretly Control Your Personality

Hey, did you know that your thoughts can make brain tumors grow faster? Your mind is made of meat that is arranged in precisely such a way as to not know it is meat. This is why so much of your personality is dictated by seemingly random nonsense you’re not even aware of. Such as …

Whispering: Hey, David Wong’s new novel — the third in the NYT bestselling John Dies At The End series — is FINALLY OUT NOW.

4

Your Fear Of Germs Determines Your Politics (And Maybe Everything Else)

Go listen to literally anyone talk about the dangers of foreigners, minorities, or gays, and count the seconds until they either compare them to a disease or simply accuse them all of having/spreading diseases.

The Guardian

Buzzfeed

Liberty GB

This is going to be one of those “Now that you see it, you can’t unsee it” situations. It sounds ridiculous at first, then starts to become grossly obvious the more you look around. We referenced a study a while back in which scientists could get people to be less racist merely by washing their hands first. At the time, that seemed to me like one of those oddball results, like the one that found you can make a person smarter by having them wear a lab coat. But no, it turns out it was but a glimpse into the dark, swirling demon lurking within the soul of humanity: our primitive fear of germs.

The theory says that over the centuries, certain people and groups evolved with a higher paranoia toward infections, due to living in regions/climates where that sort of thing was more of a threat. Meeting another tribe thus meant encountering diseases you had no immunity to, and to this day, their descendants will instinctively be more untrustworthy of other cultures and tightly regulate “unclean” behavior. In groups, they form societies that are fiercely nationalistic and insist on flamboyant outward displays of such (like, say, Confederate flags on pickup trucks) to signal to one another that they’re “safe.” They also enforce strict sexual morality (to prevent the spread of STDs). Over time, they tend to gravitate toward dictatorships, submitting to the strongman promising to protect them from the contaminated outside world.

Hey, did you know Hitler’s rise occurred right after the Spanish flu ravaged Europe? And that he was comparing the Jews to disease pretty much from Day One?

Experts say that the rise of democracy and progressive ideas in general can be attributed to science conquering many of the infectious diseases that were dominating our decision-making up to then. Still, those habits are passed down through both genes and culture (particularly in warmer climates), and it’s easy to see it today. You can hook conservatives and liberals up to a brain scan, and the conservatives react more strongly to disgusting images, even if they insist that stuff doesn’t bother them. Other studies show that right-wingers tend to be more obsessive-compulsive, feeling a unending urge to purge their surroundings of disorder.

But wait, there’s more! A recent study found that belief in a vengeful god tends to make people more cooperative toward strangers. This, they theorize, helped primitive societies expand, overcoming the natural mistrust they had for one another. Now open up your Bible and count the number of times God punishes a society of unbelievers by unleashing a plague. (“We must cooperate under the same rules, or else we both will get infected!”)

Now check out how we remain obsessed with the concept of an apocalyptic world-ending plague to this day, even though such a thing would be all but impossible in reality. (Note how everyone shat their pants at the mere mention of the word “Ebola.”) In pop culture, it usually comes in the form of post-apocalyptic fiction like The Walking Dead. You know, that show in which our heroic tribe of survivors continually runs from the infected, until they meet another tribe and find out they can’t trust them? A show that exploded in popularity right when America was in the middle of a panic about globalization?

That’s right, the fear of germs dominates our entire culture from the ground up, but people still don’t think twice about eating at buffets. THAT SNEEZE GUARD ISN’T GUARDING SHIT.

3

Lead Destroys Your Sense Of Morality (And Lithium Might Improve It)

Hey, remember how in Batman Begins, the villains’ plan was to release a fear toxin in Gotham City that would turn the populace into a violent, mindless horde? And how Batman had a flock of bats he could summon when he needed them, but then completely forgot about in future movies? Well, that first one really happened! Only the effect was global and happened over the course of decades. What follows may be one of the most terrifying cautionary tales in the history of technology, and we still don’t fully grasp the scale of how badly we may have fucked up here.

The unpronounceable chemical Tetraethyllead is the “lead” they’re leaving out of “unleaded” gasoline. When cars were new back in the 1920s, they added it to fuel to help prevent engine wear. They already knew lead did weird things to the human brain at the time (studies had already shown that people getting water from lead pipes were more likely to commit murder), and that these engines would be releasing tiny particles of it into the air everyone breathed. But honestly, how many people would be buying these “automobiles,” anyway?

More than half a century and hundreds of millions of cars later, governments finally started cracking down on lead emissions because they suspected they were, unsurprisingly, messing with people’s brains. As we touched on here, in one city and country after another, as unleaded fuel was banned, the violent crime rate started dropping. A lot.

Lead, as it turns out, permanently destroys cells in the brain’s prefrontal cortex, the part responsible for “emotional regulation, impulse control, attention, verbal reasoning, and mental flexibility.” You know, the part you think of as your morality, or soul. Lead kills that. Multiple studies on this keep turning up the same horrifying result.

“Wait,” you say from your mad scientist lab, “is it possible to do the opposite? Is there a chemical that keeps that part of the brain healthy?” Sure! In fact, it’s already happened. You know how some people take lithium as a treatment for bipolar disorder? Well, lithium also occurs naturally in the environment, and places that happen to have more of it in their drinking water have less violent crime. Oh, and their suicide rates are up to 40 percent lower. Holy shit!

So yes, we should start adding lithium to the water supply to create world peace. I mean, I don’t want it in my water. Other people’s.

2

Your Moods May Be Controlled By Your Shit

There are about 40 trillion microbes in your intestines. That’s far more cells than make up your actual body. If they were people, they’d populate 5,400 Earths. The point is, your body’s shit factory houses an entire galactic federations’ worth of beings, and to an extent that science does not yet fully understand, it appears that they’re the ones running the show. When scientists dug through the turds of dozens of kids, they found that “children with the most genetically diverse types of gut bacteria more frequently exhibited behaviors related with positive mood, curiosity, sociability and impulsivity.” Different gut bacteria = different personalities.

OK, well, there surely are other explanations. Maybe outgoing kids tend to eat different diets, and that changes their gut microbes? Because they’re eating … adventurous party food, I guess? Or maybe they have different hormones or something, and that changes their digestion? Really, anything is better than believing that, for instance, the decision to ask your current partner out on a date was truly made by a pulsing ooze of microscopic blobs swimming in your shit.

Well too bad. Another study found that eating “probiotic” fermented foods decreased social anxiety. Another bunch of researchers found they could make someone give more to charity if they fed them eggs first. An experiment on mice was able to reverse goddamned autism symptoms by adding in a single species of gut bacteria. Someone else followed up by doing fecal transplants on autistic children to fix gastrointestinal issues, and found that it appeared their neurological symptoms improved along the way. Here’s a giant summary of dozens of studies on the “Your shit is controlling your brain” theory which you and your shit can peruse together.

You probably want to dismiss this whole thing. You may even feel a knee-jerk urge to dismiss it out of hand, and not devote any further thought to it. An urge that you can feel … in your gut? Nice try, shit.

1

You Have Probably Brainwashed Yourself Into A Completely False Idea Of Who You Are

Here’s an important question almost no one thinks to ask: Do cult leaders believe what they’re saying? After all, L. Ron Hubbard clearly knew his new religion was a scam at first — he borrowed its mythology from his own sci-fi stories, which he wrote to make a quick buck. But by all accounts, he later spent endless hours “auditing” himself to try to purge his soul of the evil alien spirits — you know, the ones he had invented years earlier. It’s almost as if by repeating his ludicrous lies, he indoctrinated himself.

That, it appears, is exactly what happened. And almost every deranged cult leader in history followed that exact path. Do you remember that weird terror attack that happened in Tokyo in 1995? A Japanese doomsday cult unleashed nerve gas on a subway, killing a dozen people (which would have been thousands if they hadn’t fucked up the release of the gas). The cult was led by a guy named Shoko Asahara, who had been a small-time con artist going back to his teenage years, running a number of scams which he eventually expanded into lucrative businesses. He sold snake oil cures out of an acupuncture shop for a while, then started putting ads in sci-fi magazines offering to teach mind powers like telepathy and levitation — for a reasonable fee, of course. In less than a decade, he went from telling silly lies to get cash from gullible dupes to unleashing nerve gas in order to trigger Armageddon, believing that he and his followers would then ascend to inherit the Earth.

That’s weird, right? That garden-variety shitheads wind up joining their own cults in suicide pacts to fulfill some “prophecy” that they themselves wrote late at night over a bottle of wine? But that, my friends, is the magic of the human brain. Not only can it be reprogrammed by anyone who knows the method, but it can also reprogram itself, unintentionally, without realizing it. But that could never happen to you and me, right? Haha. Ha.

OK, let’s now think about all of the little self-deceptions we pile up through the day — like how nearly everyone thinks they’re an above-average driver, even though that’s obviously impossible. Well, you remember George Costanza’s rule that the key to lying is making yourself believe it? There’s a theory that humans evolved self-deception specifically because it helps us deceive others. In order to survive, you need other humans to cooperate with you. In order to make sure they do that, you need to be able to convince them you’re great. In order to convincingly tell that outrageous lie, you need to make yourself belief you’re great.

You lie to yourself, then you believe the lie, then you make others believe the lie which you now believe is true. It’s lies all the way down. This is why if you go to a primitive tribe without access to mirrors or clear reflective surfaces of water and show them a reflection of their own faces, they freak the fuck out. (“They were paralyzed; after the first startled response — covering their mouths and ducking their heads — they stood transfixed …”) Living their lives without a clear reflection as a reference, they each had built up in their minds an idea of what they surely must look like. Maybe they always secretly assumed they were among the most attractive, despite their public shows of humility. Then bam, the disgusting reality was suddenly staring back at them. “That’s what I look like?”

Well, if you had a magic mirror that could reflect back upon you exactly how others see your attitudes, mannerisms, emotions, habits, etc, it would be the same, only about a hundred times stronger. A hand clasped over your mouth, feeling sick, staring at the “reflection” of a total stranger. Anyway, buy my book. Oh, wait, one more thing …

You can now get rid of the ads on Cracked and also help keep us from having to put up paywalls by throwing us a small wad of sweaty internet cash. If you like what we do and want us to keep doing it, or just feel bad about blocking the ads for 5,000 straight visits, here you go. It costs less than dirt. I mean it’s literally less than this actual bag of dirt you can buy. Thanks for your support, either way.

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For more from David Wong, check out 6 Reasons Good People Turn Into Monsters and Your Brain Needs Silence (And Probably Isn’t Getting It).

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Read more: http://www.cracked.com/blog/4-creepy-things-that-secretly-control-your-personality/

Become A Mad (Tech) Scientist With Arduino, Hack The Planet

This piece was written by the people who run the Cracked Store to tell you about products that are being sold there.

If you love taking things apart and then reassembling them into a hodgepodge of calamity like Sid from Toy Story, then you might be interested in this Arduino Enthusiast E-Book Bundle. Arduino is an opportunity to take your inner Frankensteinian tendencies into the electrical realm, and this collection will guide you through that process.

What Is Arduino?

Arduino is a microcontroller, which is just another term for a simplified computer on a single integrated circuit. Think of it like a digital brain that you can program. It takes a variety of electrical inputs through an array of digital and analog pins, so you can make use of optical sensors, buttons, motors, and other electrical components. Writing code to process input data and control mechanical parts is done with a simple free editor, and compiling it onto the device is as easy as plugging in a USB cable and hitting play. Becoming the hero AND the villain of your own science fiction film has never been so easy.

Why is it so popular in the maker community?

Arduino is hardly the only single-board microcontroller out there, but what makes it stand out is its accessibility. Arduino assumes that you aren’t trapped in a time vortex in 1996 and that you already own a computer. This allows it to stay cheap and avoid a complex operating system setup. Arduino also lends itself well to larger-scale projects needing multiple interfaces, which would be otherwise infeasible with more expensive boards. That said, we do apologize to all of those poor souls who were accidentally trapped in the Portal of Ceaseless Screams and No Computers on their way to see Space Jam. You are not forgotten.

What can you build with it?

What CAN’T you build with it, you jock?

Sorry. You didn’t deserve that. You’re a pal.

With such an open-ended platform, you’re really only limited by your imagination. You can take sensor input from almost anything to create interactive systems with real-time data monitoring, mechanical movement, and wireless communication, or just keep it simple with hobby electronics projects.

The Arduino Enthusiast E-Book Bundle includes eight comprehensive books filled with interesting projects that tackle topics like wearable’s, robotics, and smartphone communication. Here’s the full reading list:

— Arduino Wearable Projects – $35.99 Value

— Arduino Electronics Blueprints – $35.99 Value

— Arduino Development Cookbook – $35.99 Value

— Internet of Things with Arduino Blueprints – $31.99 Value

— Arduino by Example – $31.99 Value

— Arduino iOS Blueprints – $27.99 Value

— Arduino Robotic Projects – $26.99 Value

— Arduino Android Blueprints – $26.99 Value

So go pick it up. You’ll be building ROBOTS. The most we can do is put together a hot dog that doesn’t fall apart when you pick it up. The Arduino Enthusiast E-Book Bundle is available in our store for 88 percent off the usual cost, just $29.

Only Cracked Alumni make it into the revered Doctors Association. So grab your Thesaurus and buckle up. It’s gonna be a bumpy night.

Continue your brain workouts by checking out Become A Cracked Scholar With These Learning Bundles.

Read more: http://www.cracked.com/blog/become-mad-tech-scientist-with-arduino-hack-planet/